I am under 30.
I am knocked-up.
And I am basically unemployed.
Just the way I planned.
Almost a year ago I quit my very fulfilling job, packed my bags and headed out to Tuscany with a group of friends for ten days of absolute relaxation before my life turned upside down — abruptly, like flipping a tortilla on a pan. I had enormous — more like gargantuan — plans in my head about how the next year would transpire, leading into the next five.
I am a planner by nature. I like structure, I like lists, I like headers that start with “To do:”. Organization in general is my philosophy. This allows for flexibility and spontaneity in what I do without creating havoc. Or so I like to believe. You see, I embarked on this new adventure with many plans and goals but my tortilla flip feels more like a Mexican Jumping Bean who can’t make quite figure things out.
I decided to take a step back from My Big Design Career in order to become Mom With Normal Design Career. I chose to focus my energies in building a sustainable design practice from my home whose purpose would be to keep me connected with design (otherwise I know I would likely lose my mind), help me pay the bills and, most importantly, allow me to work within my own very flexible schedule. This would also allow me to travel for judging or speaking engagements, conferences and the like, that UnderConsideration likes to be a part of. I would also be able to spend more time on UC, and the different projects that we are currently undertaking. And of course, take care of Baby.
Boy was I in for a surprise. Did I realize flexible hours meant being too tired growing a fetus to get out of bed? Reading a book required too much concentration, and staring at the computer was like traveling to Mars, while potential client pitches and business travel were something to dread. Not to say that it has been all that bad, but the wake up call and the realization that you want to do so many things as you watch how, little by little, the list gets longer, and you stop caring as much about each unattended item.
Surprisingly, though, fewer pitches led to a happier me, and a happier me led to a happier everything that surrounds me. And I wondered if the famous Maternal Instinct was kicking in just as we all kept talking about men designers vs. women designers, celebrity status and our Design Careers in the big wide world. Early in my pregnancy Ellen Lupton approached the subject, and a few months later the issue was brought up again at an event moderated by Michael Bierut when an audience member raised the question. Many dinners, parties, and events have circled back to these topics as well, and I have participated in this discussion throughout my expanding belly — it has been particularly interesting to see how people approach the subject when it is obvious to all, where I am headed. And it has been fascinating to see how my tongue was become a bit less sharp with some of my preconceptions on the subject.
Today I realize I don’t have as strong a sustainable design practice as I set out to develop in the beginning, and I am okay with that. I realize that having a year of absolute devotion to this goal was unrealistic and unattainable, and I am okay with that. I realize that I have no idea what the next year holds for me, and I want to be okay with that. But I am still struggling. I should probably know better by now, and I guess the fact that I am already questioning some of the action items on my list is a start.
I admire the women who take what Corporate America has to offer. Three months of maternity leave with various degrees of pay or no-pay, and then go back to work with the support of family members or Day Care centers. Maybe because my mother stayed home with us as we were growing up I find it very hard to make that commitment, and I have chosen to hike the middle path. I want to be a Stay At Home Mom, but I also wish to continue working and growing as a Designer. Is this possible? I would like to believe so. I know I will not be climbing the ladder as quickly as the women who go back to work after a short period of time, or as quickly as The Men I am surrounded by, and I am okay with that as well. Why? Because I think that taking the time to be with my child in her (yes, we are having a girl) developing years will be more beneficial in the long run for both of us, than my client roster.
My ambition is still very much active, my desire to succeed is there as well, so how can it be possible that after all these years of busting my water-retentive chops I am so willing to switch to the slower lane?
Nature.
Instinct.
Education.
Need.
Other?
I have had eight moths to ponder such life-challenging questions, and I have yet to find the answers (even if partial ones). And so, I have decided to roll with the punches and take things day by day, step by step as I figure this new role of Mother and how I own it, and how I wear it as I walk alongside my fellow Designers.
Congrats!
I have 3 kids, and a design business as well. Apprehension is normal, I've seen a lot of my friends and their wives go through it, we did as well. Your priorities will probably change in one way or another. The reality is that having and raising kids is more important that design (at least for me).
I tell my friends who are thinking about having a baby this: if I knew how much fun and fulfilling it would be, I would have done it sooner. Best advice: keep your first-choice baby names to yourself. I've seen names stolen in the past, not pretty!
On Mar.22.2007 at 10:27 AM