First Weblog

The Spiderman review of Crayola crayons was too funny not to send out to a few friends of mine. Good find.

Link

As a Christian who is getting more and more involved in the public face of my church, I would love to read what others, especially non-Christians (i.e. the targets of church marketing), think about the Church Marketing Suckers and their blog. I will post some thoughts later, but I'm off to design some packaging.

On Church Marketing Sucks:

Twelve hours of silence. I guess that is some kind of answer.

Here's what I think.

On one hand it is nice to see some churches moving away from the ugliness that has pervaded too much church communication.

On the other hand the whole thing smacks of "Christians can be cool too," and if only people see how cool we are they will want to be Christians. If you are not a Christian, think of the neverending quest of some designers to feel Important and how tiresome that is and you will get the idea.

More important than the tiresomeness of the Christian quest to be 'cool' or at least 'normal' is its impossibility. A Christian, at least an evangelical Christian, can no more be cool than a sheep can be a hunter or a lion can go a vegetarian. The very nature of Christianity is offensive. It claims to be right while all who disagree are wrong. It tells people they are on their way to eternal death and that only Jesus Christ can save them. And because the situation is one of life and death Christianity is happy to tread all over the accepted norms of society to try to save those on their way to death. Furthermore, once a person desires to be saved they are asked to believe in things that are impossible according to our understanding of the workings of the universe.

There is nothing normal there, much less cool.

So the Church Marketing Suckers will

go on debating whether the use of the word suck is a bit too hip or not quite hip enough and the actual message will get lost under a thickly applied paste of modernstyle.

Because Jesus as a 'stone of stumbling and a rock of offense,' that's just too hard to explain in three seconds and it's not really nice to talk about, is it?

Jeff,

When I first saw the Church Marketing Sucks web site about a year ago I had to laugh: someone was yanking the chain of mediocrity. Yes they were trying hard to be cool. That a debate rose up to challenge them based on their vernacular rather than intent seemed so typically blockheaded.

What they were trying to do, it seemed to me - and I may be all wrong about it - was to be challenging and inspirational in a new context. There were already a lot of young, energetic people entering churches and the clunky materials others were handing out were still so 1980's at best. The pious stuff of many Evangelicals was also a lightning rod for those with antagonism to Christianity in any form. I don't even blame them. Piousness is a kind of smug pride and almost begs for egg in the face. Jerry Faldwwell is an example of that type. Then there are those that fly below the radar doing design that is actually both inspired and visually engaging. There are web sites that go into this more. B_L_A_N_K for one.

Ah, hey...Jeff. This isn't going anywhere.... wanna learn how to make Osama Bin Laden hand puppets?

Step One:

Purchase a bag of pecans, Superglue, a bag of cotton balls, a black magic marker, scissors, surgical gauze and a hankerchief at your local store.

Step Two:

Carefully wrap a longish piece of gauze around two fingers forming a little turban. Glue ends together until firm and not prone to unraveling.

Step Three:

Glue turban firmly on top of the broad end of your selected pecan. (If pecans not avilable in your country use walnuts. Olives will not work.)

Step Four:

With your black magic marker draw a frowning face below turban: long nose, furrowed brow, dots for eyes and a downward mouth.

Step Five:

Glue a clump of cotton below face for long white beard. (Don't mess it up.)

Step Six:

Cut small hole in the center of the hankerchief and place on top of your hand over the three center fingers of your hand - your index, middle and ring fingers. Superlue these three fingers together. Make sure that your other two fingers can extend out as puppet arms.

Step Seven:

Superglue the pecan "head" to the tips of your three fingers. Adjust the hankerchief below beard and add plenty of Superglue to secure Osma's "robe" in place. Your remaining two fingers extend out as puppet arms, of course, so superglue the "robe" to the "arms".

Step Six:

Using your best ventriloquist voice, yell, "Death to America! Death to Denmark!" Lots of fun, eh?

ps. Did I mention that you have to superglue all this to your hand?

So I emailed Pesky earlier in the week to tell him I was going to post one more thing about Church Marketing Sucks, then let it die. But does he have the patience to wait until I make my industrial toilet paper flyers and take my kid sledding? No! He has to jump in & kill it off with his Osama puppet foolishness. Now he has spoiled it for everyone because now I'm NOT going to my my two Serious & Earnest points.

Instead I shall instruct you in the Improvising of a Sled for Downhill Entertainments After an Unexpected Snow Storm in North Wales Where No Sleds are Available for Purchase.

Materials required:

2 foot by 4 foot peice of masonite/hardboard left over from a previous design project

2 bootlaces

1 skipping rope

4 washers

car wax

Tools required:

Drill

1. Drill two holes (large enough for the jump rope handles to fit through) about 6 inches apart and centred on one of the short edges of the hardboard.

2. Drill a small hole in each of the four corners of the hardboard.

3. Thread one of the bootlaces through one of the holes and one of the washers. Tie the end of the lace around one of the other washers. Make sure the knot and the washers are on the shiny side of the hardboard.

4. Thread the other end of the lace through the hole at the other end of the long side of the hardboard.

5. Bend the hardboard nearly into a U shape. Tie the bootlace in the same fashion as at the other end to hold the shape.

6. Repeat steps 3 through 5 with the other bootlace on the other side of the hardboard.

7. Wax the shiny side of the board (which will be the outside of the U, if you did it right). This is essential for keeping the snow from sticking to your sled thus making you slide slowly.

8. Thread the skipping rope through the first holes you drilled. This is your handle.

9. Find an empty field with steep hill, and slide down it repeatedly until you are exhausted, soaked and your son is crying from the cold.

PS Did I mention you don't have to do anything stupid like supergluing your body parts together?

Oh yeah?? So is Wales declaring WAR on my new found state of Georgia? I hope so, because we've learned a lot since "Gone With The Wind". Number one, never accept defeat.

Your sled sounds ill-designed, Gill, for all but a first ride down. Perhaps you can superglue your butt to the board....

I will have you know, Pesky, that not only was my improvised sled effective on the first run, it has lasted for three days, and its performance has been at least equal to many snowriding devices on which I have travelled throughout the years. Anyway what would you know. Last time I checked Louisiana & Georgia weren't exactly known for their winter sports.

I scorn your superglue!

Jeff, I talked to Jesus while you were out and He says that he has pity for your sons - Serious and Earnest - because their father can't go out and BUY them a proper sled...

Contrary to whatever scant information you North Walesians may possess, I'll have you know that I was sled captain of the Louisiana Olympic team. We don't have snow, I admit....but if you put white dots on your glasses it has the same effect more or less.

I spit on your dog sled!!

Don't make me come over there and whup up on you, boy!

You and what army, sled boy?

Just me, my brown belt in karate, a drill, two bootlaces and some church clip art (only $49.95 per year!)

Come on over and get yer butt kicked! I have a black belt , a superglue gun, and $49.95.

Anyone can buy belt, but do you have skills, little peskysan?

Atlanta— A bizzarre incident interrupted a quiet suburb in Atlanta Sunday morning. Two men were found in what police called "stupid and awkwardly embarrassing positions" on the front lawn of an undisclosed suburban house.

As far as police have been able to piece together events, the two men got into an altercation after some sort of craftmaking class.

Officer Sullivan, first to the scene, reported, "There were cotton balls, shoelaces, and cardboard pieces all over the place. And somehow, not only did they manage to superglue themselves to each other — they drilled themselves against a tree with jump rope." Asked if alcohol or weapons were found, Sullivan replied, "Nah, I don't think so. This was just two sissies and some craft supplies." He added, "Man, I'm going to win the blotter pool at the precinct for sure this month. Yea!"

The men were eventually separated by paramedics and each issued citations for public disturbance.

on the floor laughing...